So I am unpacking for the umpteenth time. I move every 12 to 18 months. It is not a hobby, but it was becoming a way of life. I don’t like moving. I don’t crave or thrive on upheaval. I just keep finding myself in housing that looks like a nice place to live…until you live there. Unfortunately, that is often the problem with rentals.
The apartment I lived in growing up was a rented upper floor in a house. It was never meant to be a two family house, but that’s what it ended up being. The five of us lived in very close quarters in a tiny, four-room railroad flat. It was not ideal, but it was home.
A fire during my junior year in college left my family homeless and turned me into a nomad. I have lived in over 15 apartments or houses in the last 25 years, 4 in the last 5 years alone!
Recently, I moved into what I hope will be the last place for a long time. One never knows what life will bring, but I am hopeful to have the opportunity to remember what it is like to feel settled and to offer that feeling to my children for the first time in their short lives.
So in the midst of unpacking I discovered a gift from a friend. One of great significance to me as a writer. Yet, it was not until today that the complete magnitude of it’s meaning became apparent! Only today, as I placed it on a shelf did I actually turn it around and for the first time see the inscription on the side!!!
How did I miss that! In the last 2 years it sat on a shelf backwards, kind of the same way I have been living my life…OK, maybe not backwards, but certainly not moving forward – more like just sort of stuck, in a holding pattern. Stuck on pause is possibly a better way to describe it.
Being stuck like this has taken its toll. I have spent my days feeling like a hamster in a wheel — or a human on a treadmill (though I haven’t made it to the gym as much as I’d like) because at the end of the day I have not felt in any way accomplished. I have been doing what I need to do to get by, but I haven’t done what I want to do in so long I was starting to think I had forgotten how.
Lately, I have had a little more time to do what I want…to write. Yet, I have written very little. Which is why I have been working on my blog. I feel accountable to those out there who are interested enough to follow me. I want to be sure to offer something worthy of their time and effort. I refuse to label this hiatus from writing writer’s block (though it might be just that), because I really think it is the result of feeling stuck for so long. I think I may be afraid of the freedom I might experience if I allow myself to just press play…or more importantly, to actually allow myself to play!
Have you ever found yourself feeling stuck — life not moving the way you’d like it to, or not moving at all? Have you found yourself blindsided by circumstances that left you able to push through but nothing more? Let me know…